walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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