I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
where are my eyebrows?
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
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