I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
Well you know what I always say about freshmen.... If you want it, and they've got it... get it.
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
I feel great
I just peed on a car
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
They have beer where we have blood.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
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