between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize