Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
50% drunk capacity currently
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
Randomize
