I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
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