I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize