i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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