I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
Randomize
