I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
