what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
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