dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
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