In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
Randomize
