note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
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