Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
