6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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