I think I am morally bankrupt
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Randomize
