god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I dont get chicks, its like they only care about themselves and money
sounds like you understand them just fine
so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
Randomize
