Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
