I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
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