Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
Did you just see the Batmobile???
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
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