I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
Randomize
