I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
