Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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