3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
Blow job season was short but glorious.
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
Randomize
