I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Randomize
