Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Randomize
