Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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