I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
True college students do jello shots in the library
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