You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
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