I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
