my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
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