So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
Randomize
