The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
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