bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
So if you want this MFM threesome thing to happen the other guy is here and willing
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
