watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
