Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Randomize
