I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
Randomize