New low: just hacked my moms facebook
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Randomize
