I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
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