My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
I need to calm my uterus...
I use my feet as sexual weapons
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