her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Randomize
