does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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