please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
that was a gay-test. you passed.
with flying rainbow colors i hope!
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
