I'm lost and stupid without you.
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
