Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Randomize