You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
you didnt know i had herpes?
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
Randomize
