Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
you have to choose: penises or morals?
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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