While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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