let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
They have some sort of agreement that they can sleep with other people if it helps then achieve their goal, or something like that
How awkward
Yeah it's pretty fucked up
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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