dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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