he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
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