Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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