Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
These tits shall not be calmed
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
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