Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Randomize
