Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Randomize
