I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
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