We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
Randomize
