apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
Randomize
