Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
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