Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
