I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
I may or may not have melted a dent into the top of my minifridge with my hot glue gun, which I left on for the past couple hours unsupervised, while we were on our salvo/savers excursion. Welcome to Halloween in college.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
Randomize
